I am so sorry that I haven't posted a blog entry in over a month. October was a busy month, but I wanted my next post, which is this one, to be worth reading. I try to make all of my posts worth reading, and I have started other posts that are saved as drafts, just waiting to be finished, but I don't think they are ready to be posted because they are half finished and I feel like there are other things that are more important to post, so here we are.
I started this blog in April of 2020, and I didn't think I would still be going three and a half years later, but here we are. I have always promised that my posts would be positive, and that I would not complain or talk negatively about my life and people in it. Which brings me to this...
There are certain aspects of my life that have me worried sick. I'm angry. Sometimes I feel so defeated and like everything is stacked up against me. I try to be good and kind, and yet I feel these things. A month ago, I was feeling very anxious and frustrated about the things in my life that I have no control over. Even when I pray at night, I feel like I complain about things that are happening that I can't control. However, with Thanksgiving approaching, I started to pray for not having things change that I can't control, but for the strength to do the things I can control.
My prayers have become more positive. I am grateful for what I have. I have a great family, a nice place to live, I have a great job reviewing movies and other media content. I have talents that make me feel good about myself, and I try to get into things I've always wanted to learn or try. Once I start thinking about these things, and show thanks, the negativity in my life, though the situations are the same, my way of thinking of them has changed.
I want to share something with you all. I was talking to my son, Elliot, on the phone a couple of weeks ago. I have started dating someone that I fell in love with in high school. We are both divorced, and she has three boys. I have Elliot, but he lives with his mom in Kansas at the moment. Anyway, I told Elliot that I was dating someone, and he was scared that I wouldn't love him anymore, or as much, and I reassured him that he is my flesh and blood. My DNA is pumping through his veins, and that my love for him is unconditional.
Then I told him something that I have felt for a long time, and that is loneliness. Even though I don't live by myself, and even though I go out in public all of the time, I tend to feel lonely. I told Elliot that I have been taught that people shouldn't be alone, and how sad it gets. I told him things like, I go to a ton of Salt Lake Bees baseball games during the summers, and when I am not dating someone, and I go and see other couples, it makes me feel sad and lonely. I think he is starting to understand that, but he will be here this weekend to spend the Thanksgiving week with me, and there are things we are going to do to kind of help him understand better.
I am going to back up a second. Above, I mentioned that I am dating a girl that I fell in love with in high school. I always wanted to ask her out, but she had a boyfriend. When we were seniors, we were in a show choir class together, and I sat next to her my whole senior year. There was a week where she broke up with her boyfriend, and I asked her out. We went on a date to a Utah Grizzlies hockey game. My parents and uncle were there too, lol. Anyway, she got back together with her boyfriend.
Fast forward to 2004. I was in my senior class presidency, and the four of us in the presidency are in charge of organizing the class reunions. We decided to ask people we knew in high school to help us organize everything, and I had heard that the girl I wanted to be with so badly was working at an elementary school nearby, and so I went to her school and was able to track her down. We talked about the reunion stuff, and then I asked what she had been up to for the past five years. She told me that she was in a serious relationship, but that six months prior to this conversation, her fiancé told her that he didn't love her anymore, and moved to Texas for work. So I asked her out. We dated for a couple of months, and things were going great. I will spare some of the details, but we were very close to getting married and even started making some plans.
My mom always told me that when I date someone, make sure their family likes you too because you have to live with them for the rest of your life, and this girl's family really liked me a lot. Everything felt right......and then......
The ex-boyfriend came back, and this girl broke my heart and left and married the other guy. I was crushed, and though I did date a few people after that, it always felt like they were in second place. I never really found someone after her that I loved just as much.
Fast forward to 2020. I started my blog, and I was doing the one song a day challenge, and after I posted a blog entry where I shared one of my all-time favorite songs, "Here to Mars" by Coheed and Cambria, I got a message from the girl telling me that she loved the song and asked how I was doing, and how she got divorced. We started talking more and more, and even hung out a few times, but I was kind of thrown into the "Friend Zone" when her ex-husband tried to make his way back in, and she felt obligated or a sense of loyalty to see if he did change, but he didn't.
Fast forward a few months, we started hanging out again and going out, but for the first time, we are both totally on board with dating each other and being together. I knew I always loved her and wanted to be with her so bad, and now we are both on that level at the same time, and it feels amazing. Things are going so well. It's that feeling like you feel you are so happy, but also scared because you never want to lose that other person. I haven't mentioned her name because I didn't tell her about this blog post since I am writing it right now, and she isn't here. Things are going great. I feel so happy.
I want to set the record straight, I am not just happy that I am in a real relationship with someone I have loved for so long, but that when my prayers changed from complaining to being grateful and how much gratitude and thanks for everything I have, not only did it pave the way for an amazing relationship with an amazing girl, but the anger and frustration have disappeared. Though I do not like certain things that are happening that I don't have control over, the love and gratitude I have has made me feel like the negative things are manageable and that I can be happy and blessed.
I'm still far from perfect, but the mindset and feelings I have right now have made the negativity I was having all of the time has gone away.
As Thanksgiving approaches, I challenge you to find and recognize all of the things in your life that make you happy, and pray, or meditate, or whatever your particular beliefs are, and be positive. I can promise that if you do, more blessings, or good things, whatever your particular beliefs are, will come and help ease some of that anger or frustration and make life feel manageable.
I am thankful for you all that still follow my blog after all of this time. I have no plans on stopping. I find it funny that I started the blog saying that I had a five hundred writing prompt list that my dad used to give his sophomore English classes where the students either had to write for fifteen minutes on a topic that was written on the board or the five hundred prompt list. I started out thinking I didn't have much to say, but when I started, I had ideas come to me for posts. I have only used the writing prompts three times, and everything else has been my own stuff I want to talk about.
I hope you are all well and that you are happy, and if you aren't or you are struggling with things, I want you to know that you are loved and cared about. You matter. The world is a better place with you in it, and I am so happy that I get to share my life and insights with you all. Thank you.
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